I hear people are commenting on their parenting skills: how unprepared for virtual schooling they feel, the stress of being together 24/7, coping with the realities of systemic inequality, and feeling generally unprepared for the big emotions that every one of every age is experiencing.  These feelings can lead to parents feeling like they are somehow failing their children, though they are doing the best they can in the moment.  

Psychological research and theory indicate that the only way to be a "perfect" parent is to make mistakes and fail sometime.  If you are not sometimes out of sync with you child your parenting does not reflect the world, and this can make it harder for kids to know how to respond to their strong emotions when the world does not give them what they want or need.  There is a whole theory in psychology devoted to this idea (Object Relations).  While this theory is quite nuanced, the basic idea for when parent failure happens is:

1. DON’T stress your mistakes
2. DO own up to them

 
For example, if you are mad because your child did something irritating or embarrassing and you lash out at them and tell them they can never, ever have candy again in their life, you get the opportunity to not only let the child know later that you made a mistake but also WHY you made the mistake.  
 
To achieve those 2 ideas, there are  4 Steps to take when you got out of sync and made a mistake.  
 
Step 1: Notice you made a mistake

1. This is the most important step and sometimes the hardest

 
Step 2: Admit your mistake and apologize

1. Name the feeling you experienced when they did the action
2. Share that you reacted (rather than responded)
3. Say that you are sorry – you made a mistake
4. Share your intentions/why you acted as you did, not to excuse your actions, but to provide context to your child (e.g. I was embarrassed)
5. Recognize that your child may not forgive you right away, but they still love you
6. Recognize that you have shown that you (like the rest of the world including them) make mistakes
7. Remember that they will move on from your mistake eventually, particularly if you remain factual about your mistake rather than defensive

 
Step 3: Shift your reaction to a response

1. Adjust the consequence to something more reasonable
2. Don’t skip the consequence because you feel badly (This sends the message that if you make a mistake, they get to escape their consequence.  You probably don’t want this outcome as it may lead to your child pointing out all of your “mistakes” in parenting hoping that this will result in a pass for their error.)  
3. Remember that getting an adjusted consequence may be experienced as super irritating by your child and they may even say, “I hate you!” This often is more about the moment, which they hate.  
4. Keep calm and clear headed so you don’t end up in another reaction (If this happens, no problem, go back to step 1.  Consider this as a way for them to learn more about how the world works).  

 
Step 4: Share your love

1. Remind your child that you love them, even when you don’t love their actions
2. Offer to do something together with your child like read or play a game (if you don’t have time to read or play a game, you can offer to have the child do an activity in the same room while you work, which is less effective for work focus, but good for bonding)  
3. Keep this offer open even if it is initially rejected – it might be accepted later
4. Remember that children love to be with their parents and spend time with them (even teenagers, though they may want shorter lengths of time)  

 
As a recap, here are the steps for perfectly imperfect parenting (to facilitate emotional growth and decreased reactivity in your child):

1. Notice you made a mistake
2. Admit your mistake and apologize 
3. Shift your reaction to a response
4. Share your love

 
If the first time you try this approach and it doesn’t work the way you envisioned it in your mind, don’t worry; you have to find the way that works for both you and your child’s temperament.  If you child throws your explanation back at you later, again, that is part of this adjustment and keeping calm is important for ongoing clear communication.  You may want to have a trusted friend or partner to talk to as you make adjustments and your child tells you what they “really” think of you (this can be a reaction to change – which can hard for everyone).  Keep in mind that your child loves you no matter what, even when they don’t like what you are doing.  
 
Children’s minds are different than adult minds. While they sometimes know how to say the thing that can hurt the most, they don’t understand what it means to you.  By teaching your child that their actions impact you and your actions impact them, you are building empathy in your child and helping them learn to navigate this world in a way that can promote life success.  
 
If you feel like you need help with your child who is shutting you out, having major tantrums, or experimenting with dangerous things, therapy can help.  Sometimes parents and children need help.  Children (and parents) often need help during times of transition (new school, new city, divorce, marriage, new partner), times of loss (death, moving away, disaster), and times of high stress (COVID-19 SIP, lack of money/job, threat of loss of housing, applying to or participating in very competitive schools/activities, interpersonal violence/DV, substance dependence).  Sometimes it can be difficult to ask for help, but it can be worth it.  Therapy is a confidential and privileged relationship that can help provide you and your child with tools to navigate the difficulties you are facing to achieve growth, improved mental health, and success.  
 

​Sometimes we feel the need to share how we feel and even revel in our emotions.  Other times, we keep them boxed up and put away as much as possible.  Both experiences have positive and negative impacts on us and our relationships.  Right now, people are experiencing a lot of emotions.  Between the threat of COVID-19, being confined and away from people due to sheltering in place, loss of jobs and financial insecurity, and systemic inequality, emotions are up.  We are in the middle of the equivalent of an emotional tropical storm and the currents are strong and sometimes can feel like riptides.  
 
So, what do we do?  Do we go into the water or not?  Do we wade or swim or stay as far up the shore as possible?  There is no right answer here.  If we choose to go into the emotional waters, we may experience a “washing machine” moment or feel pulled out into deep and dangerous water.  Being a strong emotional swimmer would be a must in such conditions or having someone nearby watching as a lifeguard.   Yet, even strong swimmers tend to avoid swimming when a hurricane is raging.  Like learning to swim, learning to swim in emotions is easier in calm water, or even a pool.  Therapy can be a pool for practice so that one can get more ready for the open water of life.  
 
Maybe it feels like now isn’t the time for lots of emotional processing.  Maybe it is time to stay on shore.  If this is true for you, recognizing that this does not remove emotional processing is important.  Waves can be sneaky and still drench you and you can still find yourself in a surprise emotional moment.  In fact, this is when we are most surprised by our emotions.  For example, one moment you are fine, and the next you are crying or raging because your toothpaste has run out.  These surprise emotional waves can be confusing, because they don’t seem in proportion to the experience and are often not really connected to what is going on in the moment.  These are the “straw that broke the camel’s back” moments.  The straw is small, the other items large.  
 
When an emotional wave hits and it is a surprise, what can you do?  Here are eight steps for making these surprise moments less damaging for you and those around you:

1. Recognize the emotion (sometimes a feeling chart can help)
2. Consider what you are feeling about in the moment (the straw)
3. Reflect on what other parts of your life bring out a similar feeling (the burden under the straw)
4. Say what you are feeling about (e.g. I am angry because…)
5. Take the time to say all the things, even if they feel silly
6. Breath for at least 3 long, slow breaths that fill and empty your lungs completely
7. Apologize if you were disproportionally reactive to someone when “the straw” happened
8. Remember that this emotional wave does not impact your personhood

 
Emotions can become overwhelming.  We are able to step away from them because sometimes that is the adaptive action to take.  Sometimes it is not.  Only you know what is best for you.  If you decide to go swimming in the swift emotional currents, take a buddy or have a lifeguard nearby.  This is a time of emotional hurricanes and we need to be kind to one another.  If you experience someone else’s wave, try to assume the best of that person.  Hopefully when you have your wave of emotions, that person will do the same in return.  

Maybe you don’t feel so great but are able to put on a “happy face” and get your jobs done.  You perhaps are “OK” but you have a lot of unpleasant feelings (e.g., fear, worry, anger, embarrassment, sadness, depression, etc.).  How can your change that experience to be better – at least better than OK.  Really, it depends on what works best for you today.  Sometimes people need to do (e.g. engage in an activity that has been proven to increase happiness) and other times people need to be (e.g. live in the moment with compassion and acceptance). Below are some different specific tasks and also some big picture ideas to support you.  
 
If you are a person looking for something to do, some techniques from Positive Psychology may be helpful.  There are many “happiness exercises” which are designed to increase your happiness and thus energy.  Here are a few:

1. Three good things – Every night before bed, take a moment to reflect on your day and identify 3 things that went well.  Write them down and your role in this good thing.  You can add how this made you feel at the time and how you feel later about it (such as now as you are reflecting on it).  You can add why you think this event happened.  You can write this in any style you want.  (For example: My pet snuggled me.  I was lying in bed feeling sleepy and she jumped up and curled up on my chest.  I started scratching her and she kept pushing her head further into my hand.  I felt happy and warm.  As I think back on it, I remember how soft the fur was and warm I felt as well as how happy I was for that moment and I feel love right now.)  Do this every day for at least one week.
2. Gratitude visit – Take a moment to identify someone who you feel gratitude towards but have not thanked appropriately.  Picture their face as you experience the feelings of gratitude.  Write that person a letter or note.  Deliver it to them (ideally in person, but now, maybe over video).  Spend some time with that person after you have shared your gratitude.
3. You at your best – Write about a time when you were at your best, a time when you felt productive and/or happy.  What were you doing and who were you with?  Write or record about this time in detail. Review this story every day for a week and reflect on the strength(s) you identified.  

 
There are many more of these exercises on the Internet and there is even an app that has been created by the US Department of Veteran Affairs to help with coping with COVID-19 stress.
 
If you are a person into being, Buddhist Psychology provides other approaches to move towards improving your mood.  Based off the work of Daya (2000), seven core Buddhist principles that you can apply to your life to move towards a more positive experience of the world are:

1. Flexibility of self – Work to recognize that your actions are often related to states (flexible) rather than traits (inflexible).  For example, a trait attribution is: I am lazy and therefore I want to lay on the couch.  A state attribution is: I am stressed due to COVID-19 and therefore I want to lay on the couch.  
2. Being in the present – Focus on the moment you are in and only that moment.  What happened a moment ago or what will happen in a moment is not where you are focused.
3. Experience without evaluation – Rather than rationalizing or trying to mentally understand your experience, focus on how you feel: your emotions, thoughts, senses, body senses, etc. without judgement.  (This takes a lot of practice!)
4. Compassion – Practice acceptance, humility, and humor towards oneself.  This is not about a pity party, but rather about being okay with where you are right now.  
5. Openness – Work to let go of the boundaries that hold you in place and limit you.  These can be fears, expectations that things be a certain way, or something else.
6. Interdependency – Notice how you are connected to your surroundings.  We live interconnected lives and noticing this systematically can increase an understanding of how we need each other. 
7. Sitting with suffering or dis-ease – Practice acceptance of your suffering: emotions such as fear, anger, anxiety, and sadness.  This can include noticing what you are feeling when you are in the middle of a tantrum and accepting that this is how you feel and that it is okay.  You are not at ease or are experiencing dis-ease, a state that is experienced by all.  

 
One does not need to commit to one path or the other.  It is okay to switch between doing and being.  As you notice more of the positives in your life and feel content with where you are, you may find you have more energy and a more positive experience of your world.  
 
Reference:
Daya, R. (2000). Buddhist psychology, a theory of change processes: Implications for counsellors. International Journal for the
​            Advancement of Counselling, 22(4), 257-271. doi:http://dx.doi.org.proxy.library.nyu.edu/10.1023/A:1005648127301

During this time of “shelter in place” as an adult you may find that you are having a harder time keeping your emotions under control.  You are not alone in this experience; stress often leads to emotional dysregulation taking the form of a tantrum because one’s coping strategies are being overwhelmed.  Here’s why:

1. We start to grow our ability to keep big emotions from overwhelming us (emotional regulation) as soon as we are born.
2. Children have tantrums when their coping abilities are overwhelmed (emotional dysregulation) and time-outs are designed to help children learn how to get those big emotions under control all by themselves (here is more about time-outs)
3. When you are in a more intense situation (e.g., sheltering in place due to a pandemic) you may be facing more stressors than you typically cope with leading to emotional dysregulation, which can lead to fits of bad temper – otherwise known as tantrums.

 
This is my favorite metaphor for how emotional regulation and coping happens, which I first heard from Stephen Finn, Ph.D.:
 
If you think of your emotional capacity as a teacup and your emotional support people as the saucer, you are born with a thimble sized teacup and (hopefully) have a really big saucer of caregivers to help you as your thimble will get full very fast and spill over into your saucer.  As you grow and learn more coping strategies, your cup size grows, so it spills over into your saucer less often.  
 
Many of us adults are facing stressors due to COVID-19 that are overwhelming our coping strategies leading to our cups spilling over.  Our teacup is not yet big enough for what we are dealing with, so we are growing it.  Recovering from tantrums grows your teacup.
 
If you are experiencing tantrums, you need to:

1. Find a safe space for your tantrum where you can be upset
2. Remember to not break anything you will regret later
3. Let your emotions out
4. Notice which emotions you are having (anger, sadness, jealousy, guilt, fear, embarrassment, etc.)  A feelings chart may help you name of the feelings (expect more than one)
5. Let it ride (again, don’t break things you will regret)
6. Be patient with yourself while you are upset
7. You will start to calm down.  Praise yourself as your start to calm down (because you have just reregulated your emotions!) and after you are back in control, rejoin a space with others (virtual connection counts)
8. Expect to feel tired, possibly for days.  You just had a big emotional workout and you are going to need some recovery time just like you would from picking up a new sport or physical training technique.  This was a marathon!
9. Take care of you.  Drink plenty of water, take a bath, play music you enjoy.  Whatever you might do to care for your body post work-out.  
10. Thank your saucers for being there for you

 
Your emotional capacity is growing during this time.  Growth can be painful and does not happen quickly.  You may be in a home with a lot of other people who are growing too.  Keep being each other’s saucers!