Adult Tantrums

During this time of “shelter in place” as an adult you may find that you are having a harder time keeping your emotions under control.  You are not alone in this experience; stress often leads to emotional dysregulation taking the form of a tantrum because one’s coping strategies are being overwhelmed.  Here’s why:

1. We start to grow our ability to keep big emotions from overwhelming us (emotional regulation) as soon as we are born.
2. Children have tantrums when their coping abilities are overwhelmed (emotional dysregulation) and time-outs are designed to help children learn how to get those big emotions under control all by themselves (here is more about time-outs)
3. When you are in a more intense situation (e.g., sheltering in place due to a pandemic) you may be facing more stressors than you typically cope with leading to emotional dysregulation, which can lead to fits of bad temper – otherwise known as tantrums.

 
This is my favorite metaphor for how emotional regulation and coping happens, which I first heard from Stephen Finn, Ph.D.:
 
If you think of your emotional capacity as a teacup and your emotional support people as the saucer, you are born with a thimble sized teacup and (hopefully) have a really big saucer of caregivers to help you as your thimble will get full very fast and spill over into your saucer.  As you grow and learn more coping strategies, your cup size grows, so it spills over into your saucer less often.  
 
Many of us adults are facing stressors due to COVID-19 that are overwhelming our coping strategies leading to our cups spilling over.  Our teacup is not yet big enough for what we are dealing with, so we are growing it.  Recovering from tantrums grows your teacup.
 
If you are experiencing tantrums, you need to:

1. Find a safe space for your tantrum where you can be upset
2. Remember to not break anything you will regret later
3. Let your emotions out
4. Notice which emotions you are having (anger, sadness, jealousy, guilt, fear, embarrassment, etc.)  A feelings chart may help you name of the feelings (expect more than one)
5. Let it ride (again, don’t break things you will regret)
6. Be patient with yourself while you are upset
7. You will start to calm down.  Praise yourself as your start to calm down (because you have just reregulated your emotions!) and after you are back in control, rejoin a space with others (virtual connection counts)
8. Expect to feel tired, possibly for days.  You just had a big emotional workout and you are going to need some recovery time just like you would from picking up a new sport or physical training technique.  This was a marathon!
9. Take care of you.  Drink plenty of water, take a bath, play music you enjoy.  Whatever you might do to care for your body post work-out.  
10. Thank your saucers for being there for you

 
Your emotional capacity is growing during this time.  Growth can be painful and does not happen quickly.  You may be in a home with a lot of other people who are growing too.  Keep being each other’s saucers!

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